Is Life More Stressful Now Than in the Past—and What Can HSPs Do About It?

It seems life is more stressful. Is this really true? We have so many more conveniences than our grandparents, and yet we, as a society, are more lonely and stressed than previous generations. It is especially difficult for HSPs.

Why is this happening?

Less control

We have less control than did people in previous generations. For example, attempting to get service from an online provider without contact information, only to receive automatic replies from bots with no human follow-up, adds to frustration and feelings of helplessness.

A large body of research reports that psychological and physical health is tied to the amount of control you have over your environment. For example, it has been suggested that high demands and low control are related to neck pain in sales people and poor pregnancy outcomes in clerical and commercial workers. Job strain has also been shown to be associated with non-medical drug use.

Less authenticity
There was a time that, when you went shopping, you would know the shopkeeper—perhaps it was your best friend’s mother or maybe even your aunt. They might inquire about you or your family, or they might even give you a deal on merchandise. The occasional store would let customers pay on account.

Now, businesses are owned by large chains. Contrast your local Starbucks with a proprietor-owned café. These multinational companies are in business to make a healthy profit. So, they will try and move you through their line-up as quickly as possible. Although you will be asked if you want your pastry heated up (many of their pastries come frozen), the server will not microwave it long enough, so that (s)he can move on to the next person in line. And when you finish giving your order, you will be asked, “And what else?”—as if you MUST order something else. All done with a large smile that an HSP will immediately recognize as inauthentic.

It is very difficult for people to live with inauthenticity. It is a huge psychological threat because it is unpredictable and outside of your control. Will you be upsold a more expensive drink when all you want is a regular coffee? Will you end up with a pastry that you cannot eat because it is frozen, or return it and be made to feel like you have caused a fuss in line?

More social interactions but less authenticity
Social media has given us the sense of having a social network, but we feel lonelier than ever before—because the interactions are not authentic. HSPs can immediately notice inauthenticity and are more bothered by it than less sensitive people.

Social interactions are mostly social posturing, i.e., trying to signal dominance by posting more expensive vacations or fancier cars. More threatening are people who are always happy posting success-defining milestones, i.e., “Taylor off to her first semester at Harvard,” or “Our most recent vacation in [insert name of latest trendy, expensive location].” So, seeing that other people have 253 friends when you have only 5 can induce a lot of shame and insecurity.

Most insidious is the parading of a bigger network of “friends.” HSPs define “friend” in different terms than less sensitive people. For less sensitive people, “friends” are transactional. They are people you can go to when you want to promote yourself, people who may put you in touch with someone who can get you a job, or a client, or a group of 100 people to come to your next fundraiser. For HSPs, a “friend” is someone who will have their back, whom they can share their deepest dreams and fears with, someone who will pick their children up from daycare if they get caught in a late meeting at work.

What do you think? Why do you think life seems more stressful now than in our grandparent’s day? Share your thoughts in the comments.

Strategies for Managing Stress

• Recognize that social media friends are not “friends” in the HSP sense of the word. Ask yourself, or the friend with the network of 250 people, how many of these people would look after this person’s sick child?
• Keep your authentic friends i.e. the ones who would take care of your plants, sick child, or give you a place to stay for the night.
• Interact at least once a week with your authentic friends. Texts don’t count. Call or meet in person.
• Search out situations where you are or can be in control. For many people this is tied to their career. However, it could be something linked to your interest areas. Most HSPs are introverts, so you probably don’t want to be the person organizing gatherings, but if you are a regular in your hobby group, eventually people will realize that you are an expert on Les Paul guitars, or dahlias, for example.
• Stay in control by setting boundaries. It isn’t only the movers and the shakers that have control. A well-placed “I’m not comfortable doing that” will put you back in the driver’s seat when you are asked to go outside of your comfort zone, whether that be a work request or a personal imposition. Do not explain your reasons, since this will give an opening for others to try and talk you out of your decision. E.g. I can’t come tonight because I don’t have anyone to take care of the children can be met with this response “That’s OK. Bring them along.” So now you end up not only going, but having to persuade and organize kids who don’t really want to go.
• Set boundaries consistently and clearly, so you become known as someone who cannot be imposed upon. Less-sensitive people do not perceive or accept lukewarm boundaries.
• Realize that those people who truly value you will respect your boundaries.
• Befriend only “authentic” people. Be aware that HSPs make up about 25% of the population, so only about 1 in 4 people you meet will think like an HSP. Your pool is limited, but by fishing in the right pool, you are much more likely to catch what you need. Also the higher you score on the HSP scale, the more unlikely you are to find a kindred soul. For people who score at the top of the scale only 1 in 10 people will resemble them. To see how similar or different you are to the “average” person, take this HSP questionnaire and get your personalized profile.
• Stay off social media.
• Ask people to contact you outside of social media. Not having a social media presence is a good way of screening individuals. If people have to work to contact you by other means, you will know that people are contacting you because they want to.
• Seek out proprietor-owned businesses. If you can’t find any, do not expect anything other than transactional exchanges with individuals working at chains. Realize they have a job to do, and they are most likely being evaluated on how quickly they serve you, or how many products they upsell you on. If you do find someone who is empathic, consider it gravy!
• Lack of service when dealing with government agencies, hospitals etc. Realize that the staffers are all regular people just trying to keep their jobs. Use your HSP analytical skills to determine what they are being evaluated on, then try and make their job easier where you can. If you come across someone particularly unhelpful, cut the conversation short and call back until you find a more receptive person Be alert for individuals who will share information with you. Request to speak with them next time. Ensure that you give the helpful individuals good reviews (ask for their supervisor’s name if there is no formalized review procedure).

What strategies have worked for you?. Let us know in the comments.