As a highly sensitive person, I feel this enormous pressure to make Christmas perfect – the decorations just so, the food restaurant-quality, saying yes to every single invitation. You know what happens? I end up overstimulated, completely exhausted, snapping at everyone. I am miserable, and I make everyone around me miserable too.
It became so bad that I would crash just after I had bought and baked and travelled, and then I wouldn’t be able to attend any Christmas events. So I realized I had to make some changes. So I asked myself, “ What's the actual point of Christmas for me?” And honestly, it's spending time with the people I love. That's it. So I decided to focus on that, and only that.
Here's what I realized – if I actually wanted to enjoy time with my loved ones, I couldn't be trapped in the kitchen while everyone else relaxed with a drink. A friend told me something that changed everything: "Throw money at it." So I started ordering food. I used that time I saved to actually sit and talk with my friends. When money was tight, I made it a potluck. I asked guests to help serve and clean up.
And you know what? Very few people judged me. All those expectations I'd been killing myself over? They were mostly in my head. I'd created them myself, probably because years ago someone made an offhand comment that stuck with me.
The best gift I've learned to give is my calm, relaxed presence. Here's how I’m learning to make that happen:
I think hard about why I'm giving gifts. I used to buy so much stuff because I thought that's what people expected. Now I ask myself – what values am I showing through what I spend and how many gifts I give? Does this actually reflect what matters to me? Usually, the answer is no.
I schedule breaks like they're appointments. I literally write “break" in my calendar and treat it like a meeting I can't miss. Otherwise, I'd just keep pushing through until I collapsed.
I shop online or make gifts myself. I used to dread the crowds so much that shopping became this anxiety-inducing nightmare. Now I try and order online as much as I can. I prefer, however, to make my gifts. I’m a writer, so I write stories for my family, or put together memoirs of our family history. I have a friend who knits, and some of the best gifts I’ve ever gotten are her knitted creations. The nice thing about creating gifts, is that you can do it throughout the year, so you don’t have the chaos of crowds in the stores just before Christmas.
I watch for what I call "Excessive Responsibility." Here's the thing about being highly sensitive – we pick up on everyone's negative emotions, and then we feel compelled to fix everything ourselves. I've learned to pause and ask: Am I taking this on because I need to, or because I'm trying to avoid conflict or judgment? Usually, it's the latter. And I don't need to do that anymore.
I accept help. This was hard at first, but as my energy grew less, I had to learn to take the chance and ask others for help. I was actually quite afraid that they would say no. Sometimes they did. It’s the holidays, and people are overstressed themselves. But most of the time, I was pleasantly surprised. Also, sometimes someone couldn’t help me at a particular time or in a particular way, but if I asked again, for something a wee bit less, I received what I needed. So, I am learning to accept the type of help that is offered, instead of insisting on things my way.
I dropped my expectations of others. I used to get so hurt when family members didn't follow our traditions exactly as we'd always done them. But people's lives change. Someone might not be able to host this year, or they need to leave early, or they can't afford the usual elaborate gift exchange. That doesn't mean they love me less. Once I understood that traditions matter to me because they represent love and security, I could be more flexible about how we express those things.
I practice giving people the benefit of the doubt. When someone does something differently and I feel that familiar sting of disappointment or judgment, I stop myself. I ask: Why might they need to do it this way? What's going on in their life that I might not know about? Can I interpret this action generously instead of assuming the worst?
This approach has transformed my holidays. I'm calmer, happier, and actually present with the people I care about. Isn't that what it's supposed to be about anyway?