People-Pleasing

Ah, the dog days of summer. It is the period between early July and early September when the hot sultry weather of summer usually occurs in the northern hemisphere. It is a time for lying in a meadow full of flowers staring up at the clouds. Yet I would bet that very few HSPs have spent any time recently just lazing around. Summer is the best time for it. The pace of work generally slows down. Most people are on holiday, but not us. So why not?

Many HSPs carry the following belief from childhood:

  I have to please other people in order to be loved/accepted.

Was being accepted as a child dependent on doing what your caregiver(s) wanted?

Were you always the “good” child, the “smart one”, the “responsible one”?

Did your parents need you to be that child?

As Highly Sensitive Persons ( HSPs ), our empathy leads us to notice and feel others’ emotions as if they were our own. It is called “inclusion of other in the self” and happens most intensely with those people to whom we are the closest. When we were very young, our very survival depended on pleasing our caregivers. As very observant HSP children, we noticed every expression of displeasure from our parents. We learned to please very quickly, and we stored that in our memories very intensely. So now, we have a very firmly rooted template for how to act around people that are important to us. We spend our time pleasing others and not ourselves. It leaves us burned out and resentful, and at risk of serious illness. Our memory still thinks we are totally helpless and dependent. It doesn’t realize time has gone by since this template was originally stored.

When your memory plays this trick on you, you can tell yourself ….

That was then and this is now.

 To help you see the difference between then and now, make a list of all the things people you try to please provide you with. Perhaps your list includes Money, Love and Attention.

Now make a list of how you have/can provide these things for yourself. Perhaps your list includes…

Money (have you traded oodles of money for an amount that gives you the freedom to be true to your values)

Self-Love (can you be proud of your strengths, e.g. your ability to self-reflect )

Attention (can you pay attention to yourself through self-care)

You may notice that you are perfectly capable of providing yourself with the things you truly need. You may not have as much money, as much love, or as much attention as you would like, but that is another issue.

Now take some of the time you have devoted to people-pleasing, and enjoy an entire day to yourself!

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If you would like to stop people-pleasing, I offer a free one-time virtual chat to help us get to know each other and see how I can help.

Staying Healthy as a Highly Sensitive Person

Highly sensitive people are more reactive physiologically, that is, their body systems are more reactive to stress. Thus, they can have highly sensitive person health issues related to chronic stress.

Chronic stress occurs when someone doesn’t feel in control of their environment and this feeling lasts across many types of situations and over an extended period of time. That is, an annoying situation occurs, but the individual either doesn't have the skills to deal with it, or, despite knowing how to deal with it, the situation doesn't change. For example, chronic stress can come with having to deal with being bullied at school, or sexually harassed at work, or just having to fight morning traffic each day. Many people have little control over being bullied or harassed, since these may be ignored or denied when they are reported. There is also little one can do about traffic. Research indicates that people in positions with a lot of responsibility but also with a lot a control eg. school principals, felt much less stressed than those with a lot of responsibility but little or no control eg. teachers.


Chronic stressors result in a chronically up-regulated immune system, that is, an immune system which is always in attack mode. As part of its attack, the immune system has a response known as inflammation. Inflammation is characterized by redness, swelling, heat, and pain. Chronic inflammation leads to the destruction of cells and thus bodily tissue. A chronically stressed immune system also releases a hormone called cortisol (not cortisone, which is a drug). Cortisol is related to memory problems.

Medical Conditions Linked to an Overactive Immune System

There is a large body of literature on the relationship between cortisol, a chemical produced by the body under conditions of chronic stress, and problems with working memory. Working memory is the type of memory you may have for a phone number the first time you hear it. Unless you repeat the phone number, you won't remember it 10 min. later. Individuals with Working memory difficulties would not even remember the phone number long enough to remember that they need to repeat it or write it down. Problems with working memory can manifest in the following fashion: the individual remembers to do something, and on their way to do it, forgets what it was they wanted to do.

Inflammation breaks down the cell membrane between the blood circulation system and the brain cells, allowing immune system cells to enter the brain. Research suggests that this is a factor in the development of depression

The immune system cells attack the cells of the body, resulting in immune system disorders such as arthritis. Research suggests that fibromyalgia/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome may also result from the body’s immune system attacking the cells of the body. Indeed, the pain and fatigue of Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) map on to a number of symptoms of an immune response.
Chronic inflammation can eventually cause several diseases and conditions including some cancers, and heart attacks.

Solutions for Highly Sensitive Health Issues

1. Spend time in the woods every day. It must be a woods, not just a park or a green area.

2. Exercise regularly. The endorphins produced by exercise counteract the pain associated with inflammation.

3. Cuddle a loved one or a pet. A brain chemical called oxcytocin is released when you bond with a loved one. If you don’t have a loved one or a pet, spend time bonding at an animal shelter, or a pet shop.

4. Sing. Opening your mouth to sing allows more oxygen to get to your cells. Oxygenated cells are less stressed. l

5. Learn skills to help you feel more in control. These can include emotional-regulation skills, and communication skills to help you express yourself assertively, but not aggressively. Find a professional to help you who has  the knowledge to understand the way highly sensitive people think and feel.

6. If you are not too overwhelmed, join a group that advocates for change. For example, even just posting a story on #MeToo has helped a lot of women feel that they have people who understand and support them, and allowed them to stand up to their current or past abusers.


If you have any questions about this blog, or just about HSPs, feel free to contact me at https://www.highlysensitivesociety.com I offer a free 20 min. first-time consultation to help us both decide whether life coaching can help:-).